Category: Real parenthood

Posted on

Mental health update & rapid-cycling

IMG_0817

A few days after deciding to start lithium again and writing ‘The hard decision of putting off growing our family’ blog, things changed quite rapidly. Within a week I went from severe depression, to suddenly stable, to the beginning of a hypomanic episode.

When I really thought about it, what I was experiencing was similar to what I felt like in Rarotonga a few weeks earlier. I was excitable, feeling ultra-productive, super creative, overly confident, and in a constant state of busyness with an urgency to get everything done as soon as possible. I was also not sleeping well. At the time I put it down to the excitement of the holiday, but I think it was more than that.

As quickly as my depression lifted, the hypomania came on, and while I was so grateful to finally be out of depression after desperately trying to rid it for months, I was a little worried about how quickly my mood had changed yet again. On the whole I did things to help myself. I got in touch with my psychiatrist, I started taking my olanzapine every day, and I did things to try and slow my mind and body down. But part of hypomania for me is enjoyable, particularly the increased productivity, creativity and confidence, so I took advantage of my decreased need for sleep and used this time to squeeze more into my day.

At this point my husband and I were fighting, as he was trying to help me the only way he knows how, and at the best of times I don’t like being told what to do. I was in the spare room so I didn’t disturb my husband with my strange sleep patterns, but also so I wouldn’t be forced to try and sleep when I didn’t feel I could. But as I’ve learned in the past, going into my own room doesn’t always help me as my hypomanic brain prioritises everything else over sleep. I was blogging and creating content, online shopping and dreaming of up big plans until late at night, then waking up really early full of energy. I was physically tired, but my brain just didn’t want to rest.

When it got to a point I was only getting 4-6 hours of sleep, I knew I needed help so I went back to the mental health team.They advised I up my olanzapine dose to 1.75mg in the morning and 2.5mg at night, and prescribed a sleeping pill. I fought the urge to keep doing things at night, and with these new medications on board I was able to get my sleep back on track.

It’s been a few weeks since I would consider myself stable. I’m still feeling productive and an urge to keep busy, but I am being realistic and pacing myself with how much I achieve in a day, and doing things to improve my sleep hygiene. I’m actually tired by the end of the day, and sometimes even falling asleep on the couch after a long day of teaching and parenting. I’m still in regular contact with my psychiatrist.

About a week ago I went for an in-person appointment (a lot of our contact is over the phone. We discussed my symptoms, behaviour and the ups and downs of this year at length.) He told me about rapid-cycling, which is classified by at least 4 bipolar episodes in a year, which he said applies to me. Rapid-cycling doesn’t feel like a big diagnosis, it’s just a part of this mental illness I carry with me always. It actually helps, because it gives me a name for increased amount of episodes I’ve had in one of the hardest years I can remember. It makes a lot of sense.

Doctor Gary changed my medication somewhat. We decreased my anti-depressant (because when you’re not depressed it can actually push you into a hypomanic state), increased my lamotrigine (mood stabiliser), and kept the olanzapine on board for a few more weeks until I’m satisfied that I’m not hypomanic at all. It’s an absolute science getting your medications right, and while I’m pretty much a qualified pharmacist with all my experience, I’m so grateful to the experts for their knowledge and support.

When I last posted about changes in my medications I talked about starting lithium and how we’d have to put off trying for another baby. I am thrilled to say that all the medications I’m currently on are safe to take during pregnancy, so I don’t have to give up my dream of growing our family. But like my last pregnancy, I would like to reduce my medications as much as I can while still being in a good place mentally. I definitely want to focus on being stable right now, and the baby-making can wait. It’s daunting for me, but it’s exciting, and I’m sure it will happen when the time is right.

Posted on

The hard decision of putting off growing our family

image1
My son and I, 1 and a half years ago

Here I am, back in the thick grey fog of depression again. I haven’t posted in a while. It’s easy to forget what it’s like to be back here when you have periods of happiness and normalcy, but when it inevitably returns it brings back all these horrible memories and fear and trauma. For ages (since my last bout of depression about a year ago, when I was off all meds post pregnancy) I had been on 150mg of venlafaxine and lithium, then over a few months I weaned off to 75mg and dropped my lithium altogether. I also came off the contraceptive pill. Riley was 1 and a half and we decided the timing was right to try for another baby. I felt strong, and stable, and content.

This year has been a bitch. Jonno’s Mum was in hospital from January to May undergoing and recovering from her stem cell transplant, her only hope of surviving leukaemia. She had complication after complication and was in and out of ICU. A few times we nearly lost her. In February we decided to accept an offer on our house and had a 3 week settlement to move back to the house attached to my Husband’s work. It made sense financially, but it has been tough going from a beautiful new house that we poured our heart and soul into to a 100 year old house that lacks sunlight or a pleasing aesthetic. All three of us got horrible strep throat in the middle of that and Jonno got so sick that he went to hospital via ambulance. Right before the move we found out the exciting news that I was pregnant, and 4 days later I unfortunately had a miscarriage. That was really hard to go through. It’s amazing how excited you can get in such a short time, and you can see your future ahead of you. Then suddenly it all fell apart. But despite all the stress of the year I felt stable.

Then throughout March as the weather started to turn colder, I started to notice my passion for work was waining. I started to question whether the workload was worth the love I have for it, and question myself if I should be staying home with Riley more. I was missing him and work had lost its spark. Then on March 27 I got Covid, and I got real sick. I had no energy, dizziness and brain fog. But on top of all of that, I felt low. I didn’t want to do anything. Everything felt like a chore and I would rather just sleep. It felt like I was depressed. But could I be? One minute everything was fine, and now life felt a bit off. Was reducing my meds finally catching up with me? Was being isolated at home getting me down? Was the change of season making me feel blue? I do hate when summer ends. I started dreading the thought of going downhill again. Will I ever escape the inevitable hold of depression for once and for all?

After weeks of feeling this way, I went back to my GP. She said the drop in meds and going off lithium which had worked really well for me was likely causing my depression. But I really didn’t want to go back on lithium. I knew it was a high-risk drug with pregnancy and it wasn’t a risk I was willing to take. And I wanted another baby. Jonno said if it came down to it, he would rather I go back on all my meds and be happy than to struggle with my mental health to conceive. I saw his point, but I wasn’t done. I didn’t want Riley to be an only child. I felt like he needed a little mate, and I longed to grow our little family and be a baby mum again.

My mood continued to get lower and lower. So I got back in touch with Doctor Gary, an amazing Psychiatrist I have seen on and off for years. He suggested I take lamotrigine, which was a mood stabiliser the same as lithium but it was safe enough to take during pregnancy. I was hopeful and keen to give it a try. I had to start on the lowest dose, increasing it every 2 weeks until it got to therapeutic level. This was going to take a few months.

But over time, life got worse. My Mother-in-Law passed away, which was really tough and still is. Personally, not only was I experiencing depression, but my anxiety had set back in too. I was finding it really hard to go to work, and the normal stressors and pace of the job was overwhelming me. Every time I had to stay late for meetings or professional development, I despised the fact that I hadn’t seen my son all day and I would only see him for 2 hours in the evening if I was lucky. I was also experiencing a lot of self-doubt as a teacher, constantly not feeling like I was doing a good enough job. After lots of thought, I decided to resign. That was hard, leaving my class of 10 and 11 year olds in the middle of the year that were much more fond on me than I realised. I felt guilty, but kept telling myself I had to put myself and my mental health first.

Soon after, I accepted and started a teacher aide job at a local school just down the road. There was no commute, the hours were set at 5 hours a day which would mean more quality time with my son, and I could have some time to work on helping myself. I looked forward to the freedom of being able to have the time to work out again, and not managing a ridiculous workload that would interfere with my family time.

I started, and within a few days I realised I had made a mistake. The class was year 1-3, the behaviours were hard, the children didn’t listen to me or even their own teacher, and most of all the work was dull. Transitioning from a job that was fast paced, creative and challenging to doing a lot of sitting around while the teacher taught felt like a huge demotion. While it ticked a lot of boxes on paper, this was not the job for me. My anxiety about going to work was at an all time high, and my depression was worsening. A week and a half into the job, I resigned.

What now? I put myself on the reliever app and have done a few days here and there. But relieving is hard. You go into a new school where you don’t know anyone or the students names, and because you don’t have those relationships the kids can be hard to manage. Suddenly I missed my old job, where I had colleagues and great relationships with my students. It gave me purpose. I feel stupid for throwing my job of 4.5 years away, and above all I feel completely lost. My depression spiralled further. Yesterday, I cried for half the day. I couldn’t pull myself out of it. Other days I feel numb, and worthless, and like I don’t want to get out of bed at all. My depression is also wanting me to spend less time with my son, because it’s hard enough looking after myself let alone an emotional toddler. I feel really bad about that, like a shitty mother. My negative thoughts about my life and self are dark and relentless. I feel like a failure.

So here I am, 2 days out from a long awaited appointment with Dr Gary. I need help, and obviously the lamotrigine isn’t working for me. I know I need to go back on lithium, I’ve known that for a while. But Riley is turning two this week, and going back on it puts conceiving a baby off the cards for now. Will I ever be able to come off it and be stable enough to have another baby? I always wanted two children close in age, and as time goes on the potential age gap gets further and further apart. I feel gutted, but I can’t go on like this. I am barely holding it together for my son as it is, and continuing like this is no life. Happiness is the number one goal, and I can see the stress this is putting on my husband and my family. So I have decided to talk to Gary about going back on lithium. I have to prioritise my mental health and stability. I have to count my blessings, and come to terms with the fact that I may only be able to parent one child. And I’m sure he would prefer a happy Mum than a new sibling.