My Mum is the best Mum in the world. When we were little she devoted her life to us kids. She was a stay at home Mum until we went to school, and after that she only worked during school hours and didn’t miss a single talent quest or fun run. She sewed us the most amazing costumes for Halloween and parties. She threw the best birthday parties and made beautiful themed cakes from scratch. In fact she even made our lunches right until we finished high school. As an adult she still spoils us for birthdays and Christmas’ as though we’re still her little girls. She recently told me that being a stay at home Mum was the best job in the world she couldn’t have imagined anyone else looking after us when we were little. I always thought I was going to be the same. That’s why it was so hard when I had to admit to myself that I wasn’t enjoying being a stay at home Mum.
At first I loved it. I told colleagues I couldn’t dream of coming back to work. Our days we’re spent cuddling, breastfeeding, walking in the pram, taking photos (like 100 photos a day, no kidding), getting to know each other. When Riley was little he would happily chill in his rocker and I could do little things for me, like paint or craft next to him. But at some point after about 6 months of being home together, something gradually changed. The novelty started to wear off. He became more mobile (and a hazard to himself) and needed more entertaining, and suddenly I had no time for me. The days started getting repetitive and I would desperately watch the clock waiting for my husband to get home. I missed adult conversation. The stay at home Mum life wasn’t for me anymore. I needed more stimulation. I wanted to go back to work.
But I didn’t think I wanted to go back to teaching. I missed it but I wasn’t ready to put Riley in to care. So I got a job as a Day Care teacher where he could come with me. It was perfect, on paper. I could get out of the house and still look after Riley whilst getting paid for it. But after a few weeks I quickly realised it wasn’t for me. Changing nappies, feeding bottles, settling babies to sleep… this was not the career I was passionate about and trained so hard for. I was bored and unsatisfied. The 6 hour days dragged on forever. Around this time my principal called and wanted a decision on whether I would be returning to my teaching job when my one year maternity leave was up. I started reminiscing about how much I loved my old job. Getting to run my own classroom and look after 25 odd kids. Teaching them and seeing the learning click. Thinking on my toes in a dynamic, ever changing environment. Catching up with my old work mates. I loved my job. But I couldn’t go back, could I? That would mean putting Riley into day care without me. I told him I needed time to think about it.
This is where all these narratives about motherhood came up. Narratives that had been deeply set in my mind from childhood, whether from societal expectations or my own upbringing. My internal dialogue told me I should want to be with my baby all the time. The baby should always come first. A good Mother is a stay at home Mother. The baby should have completed my life.
I looked at all my antenatal friends who were either stay at home Mums or working part time. I looked at Mums I knew on social media, and a lot of them were stay at home Mums. I felt deeply guilty, and like something was wrong with me. Being a Mum was enough for all these women, so why did I want more?
After days of thinking it over I began to rewrite those narratives in my head. I love my baby as much as the next Mother. My happiness is important too. I can be a great Mum and have a job I love. If I’m happy I will be a better Mum.
I called my principal and said yes. And I’m really excited to go back in 2 months’ time. I will miss Riley when he’s in day care but I think it will make our time together that much more special.