The other day I came across this definition for Bipolar Disorder. “Bipolar Disorder is a mood disorder where mood swings can be severe and last for several weeks or even months and can significantly impact an individual’s ability to function in their daily life.”
In the past year I have spent 5 months in depressive episodes, 3 months in hypomania, and I’m currently in a depression that has lasted 3 and a half months. I have never had this much instability. It has been the hardest year of my life, and right now I would say that I am struggling to function because of my condition.
This is something that I easily forget. That when I can’t function, it is not my fault and I am not a failure. I have an illness that directly effects my my ability to function. Instead I have been subconsciously blaming myself. I try to live a ‘normal’ life keep up with my neurotypical friends and general society, and when I come up short I feel like a failure.
Bipolar disorder has taken a lot from me. It has taken my ability to consistently hold down a job. Not just once, but multiple times. I have quit jobs because in the depths of despair it became impossible. I have quit jobs because I haven’t felt good enough. More than once I have quit without notice. And right now I’m 32 and currently not working. I have a part time teaching job lined up, and in my current depressive episode I’m already doubting myself and wondering if I can handle it. Around me my friends are getting promoted and progressing in their careers. I find it really hard not to compare myself.
Bipolar has also taken my ability to have another child when I wanted to. I always wanted 2 children, preferably close in age. After weening off my lithium early last year to try and conceive another baby, I had a miscarriage. Shortly after depression followed, and I have been cycling between hypomanic and depressive episodes since then. Desperate for reprieve I recently decided to go back on lithium as it has kept me the most stable over the years, but I knew that meant choosing not to grow our family right now.
I told myself that in the future I could come off lithium and try again. But my psychiatrist recommends a long period of stability first, and as I’ve been unstable for so long I don’t know when that will be possible or if it ever will be. Riley is already 2 and a half, and as my episodes continue my dream feels further and further away. When I see friends who are pregnant again, I feel sad. When I see Riley playing alone, I feel sad. There’s this deep longing in my body to have another child. I know it’s not logical, but there’s this feeling that my body has failed.
I just feel so mad at my disease right now; a deep sense of injustice. It’s just not fair. Why has this happened to me? I just want to have normal emotions and lead a normal life. I have started seeing a therapist and she noticed that I am harbouring a lot of blame for things that have happened because of my bipolar disorder. Things that are actually out of my control. So I have to really let that sink in. That this disease impairs one’s ability to function, so it’s understandable that I can’t always function. My life won’t necessarily follow a ‘normal’ path. There will be challenges and setbacks that a neurotypical person won’t ever have to come across. So I have to stop comparing.
I have to celebrate what I’ have achieved in the face of adversity. I’ve completed 2 degrees. I’ve worked in multiple jobs, one of which I held down for 4.5 years. I’ve gotten married and still have a loving husband by my side. I have a beautiful son. I have done all of this while living with Bipolar Disorder.
So I have to learn to give myself some compassion. This is not easy for me. I’m not functioning in daily life right now, and it’s not my fault. When I am functioning, I can do great things. And I will be good again.