It’s been a long time between posts, which is actually a good sign. On the whole, I’ve been doing really well. I’ve had a great year at work, and after some uncertainty I’ve managed to secure another contract for next year which brings financial stability. My relationships are healthy and so is my family. I am loved and supported. We are building a beautiful new home and moving towns which I am so excited about. I feel good in myself and like I’m a good person with ambition and drive and a bright future (and I hold onto this dearly as depression has the tendency to destroy my self-worth). And something that is very close to my heart, I now feel secure in the fact that I’m good Mum, and I’m doing the best that I can for my boy. I have a good life and not a day goes by when I don’t think about how grateful I am.
This year I have found the perfect balance between work and motherhood, which has been a rollercoaster journey over the last four years and one that was really hard to get right. I think this has been the largest attributing factor for my stability. I have found a job that I love and that I’m good at, that helps provide for my family whilst giving me a sense of community and pride and a sense of accomplishment. The fact that I don’t have my own classroom also gives me the freedom of being able to leave work at 3.15pm and allows me to have a day off with Riley, keep up with life admin and find time for things that I enjoy.
In a stark contrast to last year, I don’t feel like Bipolar has been taking over my life. Yes I have to live with it, I have to manage it, but it has been under control. Episodes have lasted days or occasionally weeks, but certainly not months. When I feel a mood shift coming on I try to reassure myself that they haven’t been bad for a while and if I try not to fret too much it will probably soon pass, and the more this has been happening the less anxiety I have around it.
While I’m coming to realise that my mood swings are very situational, I also attribute my stability to my medication and treatment plan. Going back on lithium in January 2024 (how have I been back on it that long!?) I believe was a game changer. After coming off it to try conceive, losing a pregnancy, financial stress, moving house, bereavement, job changes and enduring the hardest depression of my life, I went back on it knowing it would put our baby-making plans on hold, but realising it was best chance of getting out of a really dark and scary place that I’d merely survived for 4 months. And it did (along with situational changes). But since then I have grieved for the baby that didn’t happen. Not so much the loss itself, because luckily it was so early and we’d barely even begun trying, but the subsequent turmoil that meant I was in no state to even try. The grief has been heavy at times over the last few years, but lately it’s been lighter. And I think that’s because as I have had longer periods of stability I have felt hope that it could happen again.
And here we are, nearing the end of 2025. I started the year on 1200mg of lithium, 5mg olanzapine (which annoyingly quickly helped me put on 10kg+), 300mg lamotrigine, 150mg Venlafaxine, and the contraceptive pill. After carefully weening down over the last 4 months, I am NEARLY off lithium, have halved my venlafaxine to 75mg, am down to 0.625mg of olanzipine (is 1/4 of the tiniest pill, I’ve actually been battling to get off this all year – honestly what a nightmare trying to get off it my body is so sensitive to the tiniest change), and have stopped the pill. I am keeping my lamotrigine the same as studies have shown it is very low-risk during pregnancy and I want to keep one mood stabiliser onboard to hopefully offer some protection for the major reduction of everything else. I am also possibly going to stay on 75mg of venlafaxine (anti-depressant) as I did my last pregnancy.
As you can see this is a lot of research and prep work has gone on to get here, and we haven’t even started trying to make a baby yet! In just 5 weeks from now, if everything continues to go smoothly, my body will be a ‘safe’ place to conceive and grow a baby. I’m almost in disbelief – I’ve thought about it for so long and after the difficulties I’ve had I really didn’t know if I could risk changing my medication again. I’d almost given up hope and at times held so much resentment and guilt. And look at me now, I’m almost there!
Am I ready? Yes and no. On the one hand, this can (and technically will) destabilise everything. My brain chemistry, my hormones, my body, my sleep, my capacity, my job, our financial position, our routine, our whole family dynamic. Am I scared? Yes, but honestly I’m trying not to think about it. I was on the fence for so long, and now that I’ve made my decision (yes it was our decision but we were waiting on me to be ready) we’re damned well going to try our best to make this happen. We want this. We have for a while. We’re starting to let ourselves get excited.
I know it’s not going to be easy – as all parents know it never is – and obviously I have my additional challenges. But I honestly feel like it’s up to the universe now. Every set back I’ve ever had I’ve overcome, and this time I have added strength, resilience and experience. I know I can do this. Despite what happens, I think I’ll look back and be so grateful that I did.